Opening the Unthinkable

Nearing 30, something scary starts happening. You start doing the unthinkable, opening THE unspeakable. You knock on the forbidden door to the OTHER side, the following part of your life – your whole life. Up to this point you were playing with your plans and fantasies, completely unaffected by the finality of life, knowing something comes after. Peeping through to the other side was in the future, sealed by the lack of necessity. But now getting old, with your coping mechanisms at full throttle, nearly underneath your consciousness, creeping, there it comes.. your plans start stretching into the far future.. 30s..40s.. into the rest of your life. But the rest of your life is the one that contains your death, your end, after which there is no more..

Being nearly 30

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I am 29. I have been freaking out about turning 30 since I was 21 (no joke, it’s ridiculous). And now that I am staring it right in the face I am absolutely mortified. And I am a psychologist so I should know better.

But being a very ambitious person and playful in nature all the experiences and skills I fantasized about doing, in my mind, were happening to a 20years old someone. Even though realistically all those things (for ex climbing mountains) can and are being done by people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and even 50s. So why the hell am I freaking out??

I categorized these fears to:

1. Body issues: My body is due to change. I already noticed that my skin is saggy, and then there are, of course, the smiling pictures.. The other day I woke up and I swear I sounded like my mother! :O
2. I noticed I am hesitating to be silly in writing stuff that comes to my mind.. I read backwards my FB statuses and they used to be so fun and witty and now when something so clever comes to my mind I’m thinking.. am I too old to be childish like that and wish for stuff like that and write stuff like that.. And just to clarify, I do actually feel the same as I did 6 years ago.. I just don’t send it out anymore. I am killing the kid. But who am I killing the kid for?
3. I am hesitant to “let go” when partying even though I was a late bloomer when it comes to being reckless. I started drinking late, having sex late, going out late.. And being late is fine, but shouldn’t it also be fine to live it out till the end for as many years as you need to? Or is it, “I’m sorry.. spontaneous mischievous behaviour is reserved for early 20s”?
4. Now owning your own place.. What?? Give me a tent! I finally know how to dig a canal around it and survive a storm!

I am completely capable of making responsible decisions in life while having a go at letting loose every now and then, thank you very much.

I am beginning to think that adulthood is just basically kids being trapped in a “running out of date” body and twisted by society’s pressures of what you need not do anymore.

It. Is. Stupid.

Subconsciously I always had this hunch that you need to be careful how to grow old, and that if you nurture yourself properly you can actually “caramelize” your fairy-dust (talents) and become this responsible and fabulous mature fun person.. Basically a kid who cares about others better. It is not possible that you blunt all your edges just because your knees are weaker and that becoming bitter or settling for less is inevitable. And you know what, I am going to prove it!

I am going to do an experiment and see how much of a “30sicm” you actually go through when you pass that threshold. 30 are the new “keep growing and making yourself amazing”-siez!!

I shall face my 30s from the perspective of a 20’s years old coming towards it and write how I felt about passing it and what is on the other side. How does the “transformation” feel like, is it real, or should it be passed on to “old folk tales about turning 30”.

Brace yourselves.

Current feeling: I am just now in ownership of my life, I finally know who I am, who I want to be and how to get there.. and I want to resource from that and get to my goals not making unnecessary compromises! I look better than I did 10 years ago, I feel way better than I did 10 years ago, I plan to keep on going with both. I am not ready to be your society’s “30 something” and I am going to show you how you can cherish and gracefully upskill from your years of experience in life and go your merry way..

 

**P.S. I understand that there are women out there who were born to be mothers and I feel lucky for you because if you have made a family so early in your life, that is the one life style that the society actually salutes, good for you, you are sorted! This is for all the rest of us..